Three Week Wrap

I know it's been awhile... I just felt like a lot of things were happening and I didn't want to jink any of it. Basically nothing's changed, everyday I'm kind of up and down thinking that things are finally turning around for me.

Work: This really is not the place for me. I always knew that this job is a few years behind of where I should be... but had it in my head that after a few months, I could use connections here to get me a real job - with responsibilities and a decent paycheck. But I am bored senseless. I do nothing. There's the occasional envelope to stuff and stamp, but that's about it. My friends say it can't be that bad: I've got a Tivo at my desk to record any show I want to watch. But a few episodes of The Bachelor, House and 30 Rock do not make up for the fact that I am bored SENSELESS. And neither does the half-hour I spend flirting with a 25-year old guy that isn't interested in me. (Sad that this is the most entertaining part of my work day! Maybe once in a while we can add some spice to this place alone on a Friday afternoon... but I think that window has passed!)

One day when I was really beating myself up about this job that college interns are clamoring to get, I received a call from a potential employer. There was a job I was this close to getting last year. After months of interviewing and mock presentations, the position went to an internal candidate... because that's their policy. Turns out the internal candidate is quitting to follow her fiance somewhere. They didn't call to tell me the job was mine if I wanted it... but that they'd like me to re-apply. Kinda good and kinda disappointing. I had another great meeting with the woman who liked me so much the first time around... but she told me they are talking to a few other new candidates but I'm still on the top of her list. I want to think positive, but I have a feeling we're going to have a repeat of last year. She told me it'll be a few weeks.

So I'm sitting here... waiting on one job. It's like dating... waiting for a guy to finally come around and realize his feelings. And as everyone knows, you're supposed to distract yourself. With other job interviews, with other guys. That's all the advice I keep getting.

oh gee -- it's that easy?? Let me just make some phone calls to high-level executives. I'll just dial up some guys I know and date around. I'm not in a position with this current job to get some good interviews. This one job is a rare opportunity. And remember how easily I took to Jdate?

Maybe it's the "Thirty is the New Twenty" attitude, but I'm not ready to crack yet. Yes, if I don't get it... I'll have one really really down day. But surprisingly, things with this guy I met on my birthday (a good sign, right?) are working out... pretty well, I think. No very well. I'm just still kind of amazed... cause I think he really likes me... and I'm feeling the same way. We didn't sleep together right away, and when we did - I think we were both really comfortable. Because it was good. Really good. Unusual for a first time, no? I'll go into more detail about him in an upcoming post.

Sitting here doing nothing in this job is exhausting.

Sprint Sucks

Not even sure where to begin detailing my Saturday night...

For three days, I was in an excellent mood, obviously. (see earlier post!)
That nervous excitement about seeing someone... and him committing to a Saturday? An excellent sign I was told. My anxiety was probably heightened because everyone asked what I was wearing and everyone told me not to have sex with him.

Jump to Saturday: By 6PM, I hadn’t heard from him and I began to get really angry. Went back to my cell phone and re-read my last text: "Saturday works! We'll talk then." In my mind, I called it a night. Wanted to put my pajamas on, open the vodka and dig into the ice cream. But I really couldn't believe he would do this… I didn’t completely mis-read our first date. So before I slit my wrists, I sent him a text asking "What time do you want to meet?" And he replied back immediately that he already made dinner plans, since he never heard back from me, and do I want to meet up later?

I hate text messaging. I really do. From Wednesday to Saturday, I was excited and thinking about what to wear. While he was thinking the exact opposite... probably that I'm a bitch because I never replied! We did meet up around 9:30, and I'm glad that he was still able to see me - it's not as if he was on another date - he left his friends after dinner and came to meet me. I still wasn't sure if I was supposed to be mad!

Nevertheless, it was a good date, I think. Guys are hard to read. He had passover dinners to go to Monday and Tuesday and I'm leaving for Puerto Rico Wednesday. So when we parted at the end of the date, he casually said "call me when you're back." I don't even know if he knows when I'm coming back... and yes, girls are more sensitive to every little detail, but I would have liked to hear something a little more promising. Like "I'll call you before you go." or "It's too bad we can't get together before you leave." Something like that. I'm trying not to over think things. I just know that when you don't know someone so well, out of sight out of mind... whatever we may have, may fizzle.

I'm just glad I contacted him Saturday night, otherwise -we'd probably have never seen each other again. Things are still pointing positive. He came upstairs and didn’t try and have sex with me. Which I took to mean that he thinks eventually we will… no rush. If I was a girl he had no intention of seeing anymore, I think he may have given the sex-thing a try!

I just don’t want to muck this up – I’d like to have some semblance of a relationship – even if it’s just for a few months, several weeks, or a couple of dates. My friend reminded me that yes, I do like him and think he’s cute and sweet – but I really don’t know him. I have to give off the impression that I’m judging him and still deciding if I even want to date him again. Not the other way around. He should be worried that I’m going to Puerto Rico and will be lucky if I even remember him when I get back.

Keep you posted...

Great First Date

The doctor and I have now gone on 1 3/4 dates. The three-quarter date should have started a bit better, but due to the world we live in now... text messaging was responsible. The rest of the night ended much better.

I met him on my 30th birthday, which is an excellent sign. Not only a good sign about where this relationship will go, but in general. It got my 30s off on the right foot.

Our date last Tuesday was really good... an excellent first date, as far as first dates go. We talked a lot, about the past, our families, television, sex, work, etc.... it was never boring. We both teased each other about things, and proved to be equal partners where sarcasm and snarkiness were concerned. A big plus for me. Neither of us seemed to want it to end.

My hookups seem to happen, number 1 infrequently, but number 2, they happen after a long night of drinking in a bar, someone I don't know very well -- I'm rarely "wooed" on a date. I'm rarely walked to my door and simply kissed. Everyone should have dates like this. The next day you can't wait to make plans and see them again.

Throughout our date, we made numerous mentions to "next time" this or "next time" we'll eat here, etc. So I was feeling pretty confident. We went into my elevator to get the dog for a walk. There was excellent chemistry with the kissing. We hung out upstairs playing with the animals before going back downstairs. Another good sign that we were both simply enjoying the moment and not thinking about getting up in 5 hours for work. So... back on the street, I walked him to the corner and we had another pleasant make out session. During this exchange, he said "call me," twice.

I immediately panicked. What does this mean? Why is the proverbial ball in my court now?? What do I do? How long do I wait?

A few reactions from friends weren't that positive. Why can't he do the calling? He's a guy, since when do they want girls who are pushy and make the decisions?? But I tried to reason that he can be just as unsure of things as girls. Maybe, after paying for everything, making the plans, making the first move, guys need a little reassurance too, that I am indeed interested in seeing him again.

So I did contact him. The very next day, I sent him a text. Nothing generic, but nothing too desperate about when we should hang out next. Not 4 minutes later, he replied back to me via text, asking "Would Saturday work?" So I wrote "Saturday works. Let's talk then." SEND. I hit send. With the next post... you'll see why this is an important thing to mention.

Thirty Is the New Twenty

So I'm 30.... It happened. Nothing major changed. I had a great time, kissed a few too many men... wore a ridiculous hat... sorry I was neglectful in writing about it for so long. After turning, I feel the same, but the actual number is what bothers me. Now when I fill out a quiz in Glamour magazine, I'm no longer in that 25-29 bracket. And every guy on Jdate who has girls 24-29 as their potential match? I'll never show up in their searches again.

But aside from all this bullshit that happens to everyone: I'll just focus on the events of my birthday. Not the numerical garbage I have no control over!

My office is like that episode of Seinfeld where there's always birthday cake. Forced celebration, too much cake, and as Elaine says, "Every day is somebody's special day." Nevertheless, when it's my special day, we're doing it right! And my co-workers did manage to surprise me, and pleasantly, had enough fruit and yogurt to make me happy!

I invited people to my favorite bar. It's my favorite for a number of reasons: next door so no coat needed, I don't feel like the oldest person there, skee ball, trivia night, free pizza and the bartenders actually know my name and usually take care of our group. Which they did on my birthday.

My friends are silly. But usually we're the ones making fun of that annoying group of girls screaming at the bar. On this night, it was us. About 20 minutes into the evening, one of the ladies brings me a man and says, "It's her birthday. Will you please kiss her." (Little did we know this guy was a mistake. He came to the bar by himself, was wearing a fanny pack, and because of my magical lips, he never left our group once. And he never said anything once. We dubbed him the hover craft.) Then it became my friend's mission to find me some lips to kiss. After that first guy, I had carte blanche on who I kissed next! (And they've got all of these quick little makeouts on camera... thanks ladies!)

One of my guy friends was gracious enough to keep buying us all shots... which kept me from realizing that I wearing a huge birthday hat and still kissing strange men throughout the evening. Thanks for that!

We sat at a part of the bar where everyone really needed to be if they wanted to get their free pizza. Before trivia got started, a really cute guy came over to get some drinks. And my friends, being the fun outgoing girls they are, got him talking to us which allowed us to be on his radar for the night.

After all of those shots, not enough pizza, the satisfaction of us placing 3rd in trivia (!), and the 7 or 8 kisses behind me for the night, I started chatting with the guy from the beginning of the night. Apparently I kissed him too, which caused a little drama between him and a girl (cockblocker) in his party. But he assured me that I did nothing wrong and he's not interested in that girl (even if she was fond of him). Either way, I was starting to feel like that irritating girl running around with a hat on. It was my birthday and we were having a great time, but I decided to tone it down some.

I'm not really sure what the guy and I talked about. I think he's a doctor, lives a few blocks from me and likes video games. My sister brought the dog out for a walk, and he was genuinely interested in meeting her outside. I do remember that he asked me for my telephone number.

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday -- I love my friends and they were so great in making it a fun evening. I even had some random girls from the past stop by and wish me a Happy 30th. I think because I was in such a good mood, getting up at 5:30 the next morning to go to the gym didn't even phase me, and I walked there with a smile on my face.

*******************
The doctor, surprisingly, did call me. And we're having drinks tomorrow night! It's just a simple date, and I shouldn't be nervous. But I am. I just can't seem to get past the first date with most guys. Maybe my lack of confidence is obvious... which I'm going to work on before tomorrow night. I'll keep you posted.

Honesty vs Saying Too Much

I started this blog so I could put my thoughts down, in a hopefully entertaining way, and be completely truthful. And in the beginning I think I accomplished that. But recently I've been holding back, worried that I'll come out sounding bad or I'll insult someone or scare others away.

I've always been very rash in certain decisions concerning friends, which makes e-mail and instant messaging a dangerous tool for someone like me. I wouldn't call it impulsive, just ill-considered haste and impatience. And I've always defended my actions saying I'm honest and just being myself. But really, I wish I could just shut up now and then.

The blog was supposed to allow me to see these stupid things I do, and hopefully I'll learn and stop. But I didn't. And I'm so embarrased. I don't even want to write about it, because my friends will just think I'm real fool. Cause I am. But I didn't start the blog to look good.

I just wish Jdate was working out, so the crush wouldn't be the only boy to occupy my relationship thoughts. But it's not, so he is.

The last couple of weeks were moving along nicely, I thought. But maybe I just mistook plain politeness for a little flirting and interest. I believed there was something there. So of course, after a week of this, I get impatient. I start to ask about hanging out. The questions are either turned down or ignored. Yet I keep asking. I just assume that showing interest and expressing a desire to spend time with someone isn't annoying. I'm being cute. Clearly, I'm wrong, and this can bug the shit out of someone.

My sister wanted to slap me across the face when I told her that I asked him what we were going to do this weekend. I didn't mean it to come out as me being that girl, but it was a genuine question!! Don't we like talking to each other?? Am I really imaginging so much? If yes, then please - please - stop talking to me. But if I was on the right page, tell me so. And maybe I'll understand why you don't want to hang out with me socially right now.

Writing about this may be a mistake and it could scare guys away. Because again, I'm saying too much, but I'm just being honest. Believe me, I wish I wasn't writing about this small part of my life and what I'm sure is an even smaller part of his life -- if he even gives it any thought at all. Clicking with someone you like should not be so friggen complicated.

I think I'm going to go boy-shopping, I mean, book-shopping now at Barnes & Noble.

J-Do's and Dont's

Do I need an online makeover for my jdate profile? It's been 10 days as a paying member, and I'm no closer to having a date than I was 11 days ago.

Part is my fault, part isn't, and maybe, according to the above referenced NYT article, my profile is the problem. I sent out a dozen emails to guys, two returned. The men on Jdate who contacted me, reached out only via IM. I ignore all of these, but when the missed IM appears in my inbox, all that's there is a "hi." Can't someone think of anything to write?? I spent time drafting my emails.

I have a feeling most people aren't on the site for real. Explain this to me: a 34-year old, looking for a gal no older than 26, and is using a photo of Ferris Bueller. Does any girl respond to this??

Not much to show for my $34.99, aside from a night of random sex (anonymous just sounds dirty), but I'll keep my repetitive bitching to a minimum. If I wanted to, I could reply to some of the guys, but I'm quick to judge based on the shirt he's wearing in his photo. It's not fair for me to be a hater, a lot of it is me.

I'm home sick and baking muffins, so it's very easy to whine. No more blogging today. I had a decent weekend, sadly no changes in the boy department, but I'm feeling OK about things.

Maybe this week will have some pleasant surprises and interesting invites for me. It could be my head cold and maybe I'm a bit delusional, but I'm sticking with thinking positive right now.

The Liberty Inn

Well well well

Where do I begin? So I did it. It was fun. He’s an attractive guy and there was some physical chemistry. But there are a lot of reasons I don’t think I’m going to do this again… one being the place where we did the deed (although HIGHLY humorous, I’ll go into in a bit).

Bottom line: It’s just not me. As much as I lament that when I’m with a potential real mate, I feel too nervous and self-conscious to really enjoy myself. And this possibly contributes to maybe jeopardizing things - I run away or just act like an ass – but having a FWB who isn’t even a F, might not change things. Sure it’ll give me new experiences and something to do on a random weekday evening – but it’s just not me.

Everything about last night just made me laugh. And it made me realize that I want to have experiences like that, but I want it to be with someone who will laugh too - -not take it seriously! I’m all for the having sex in some tripped out room with red lights, but I want it to really be with a friend. A friend who will think it’s absolutely hysterical, but then we go to a real apartment, laugh about it some more, smoke some pot and share a pint of cookies n’ cream.

Maybe guys are OK with sleeping with girls who aren’t their type. But for me, even though he had a good looking face - I couldn’t get passed his clothes! And I’m not being judgmental, but just looking for my type. He was a little too slick, buttoned up for me. From the jacket, the pants, the undershirt, the blackberry and phone attached to his belt – when we were making out (which was actually pretty good) I was focusing too much on the voice in my head, hysterically laughing and shouting to myself: “Who are you??”

So where did we go? He is waiting for his apartment to be finished, so is staying with his brother outside of Manhattan (or with his wife and two kids, come to think of it). And I wasn’t about to have him come to my house. I live in a studio and my dog and cat would be staring at his naked behind from about an inch away on the end of my bed. They don’t have boundaries. Or my dog would be freaked out by this stranger attacking her Mommy, that she’d eat his shoes.

So we went to a hotel nearby and the only description he could come up with is that it’s “clean.” Fine maybe it was that too. I did see a few cleaning ladies around the place. But also – how could he hold back details like the waiting room? Red lights? A geisha scene of some sort painted on the ceiling? As soon as I walked in, again I just needed to bust out laughing. I held back some. I didn’t want to look anyone in the eye there. It’s not like anyone would recognize me, but still.

So we walk up the stairs of this 3-room “hotel,” the smell of marijuana wafting through the hallways. I wanted to cover my ears too, in case I heard some unattractive moans coming from the other rooms. Once inside, there wasn’t much room for people, as the bed took up every square inch of the place. This guy got right down to business. Fine with me, I was still hoping to get home and watch “Lost.” It really was surprisingly enjoyable, and he was very nice, complimentary towards me where necessary, yada yada yada. But still – I just wanted to laugh. And, OK, moan a little, I guess. Cause hey, when in Rome…

Skip to the ending: Fun and done. Clothes on. Leave. Fine with me.
He said he had a great time and would love to do it again, hopefully pretty regularly, if I was game. And I did see "Lost." (good episode, btw)

I’m just not sure. This isn’t me. Right? It’s weird. Or maybe I’m just not free-loving or whatever expression is appropriate here. He invited me to some sex party too, I could just go with him to watch? See I don’t find that necessarily a turn-on. And he does. To me: another thing to laugh about with someone while sitting on my couch watching TV and making out.

And as I log into my computer this morning, an IM is waiting for me from him:
Hi Sexy
I avoided it for now. I think I may go back to sorting through real Jdate profiles and patiently waiting for the right person to come along.

Or maybe I’ll go there one more time…

Rendezvous

I'm kind of excited for my meeting tomorrow... but I'm still nervous. I have to like him, right? I can't just have sex with anyone. And if we were two people trying to date - I'd already be annoyed with him. His IMs are peppered with "cutie" and smiley faces, and even a "sexy" or two. It's too early for that - how does he know I'm cute and sexy? Maybe some girls like that kind of talk - but when it comes from someone you don't know?? And confidence is one thing, cockiness is another.

I don't mean to psych myself out of this - I want to go - our IMs have been good and I think there will be some sexual chemistry. That shot or 2 of vodka I'll have before I leave my house will help.

Sex is good and important and healthy! But that's all this is going to be with this guy. I'd still like to have a friend to come over and watch bad tv with, play Uno, and then later have some good physical play time. I don't need guys who talk smooth and like to call girls cutie and use the word sensual - I'm the type who likes the guy who teases me like we're still 11! Fun flirty teasing. I'm still disappointed that this didn't happen with my friend from the office... I still think there could be something there, but he's not interested. It happens to all of us. (sadly with me, too often)

So I'm back on Jdate (ugh) and hopefully will have myself a semi-regular adventure beginning with tomorrow's rendezvous!

An Interesting Proposal

I think sometime between the hour of 10 and 11 this morning, my mind was overtaken by a stranger. Right now, I’m sitting here – stunned. What did I just do??

I dragged myself kicking and screaming back onto Jdate over the weekend. <big sigh, all together now> I spent most of Sunday emailing guys I liked. I sent out 7 emails, 5 have been opened, and one reply so far. Of course the one I really liked I emailed too hastily last night, after one too many crystal light and vodkas. Rereading it later, I noticed a stupid grammar mistake. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but I’m trying to stand out AND I bitch about poor grammar in my Jdate profile! <another sigh> Anyway, I’ll post more once I start getting some replies (hopefully).

Back to this morning:

I logged into Jdate at work to see if any new replies had come in (no) – and I received an IM from a decent looking guy who is only looking for a friend with benefits. I’m happy to have someone to hook up with whenever I want, as his profile suggests, but I am picky enough to not do it with anyone. (I guess that's why I don't get too much action!) I really am too superficial – and not strictly about looks; I’m just not comfortable hooking up with strangers. I wish I were! I really want to know the guy a little better (i.e. my work crush) even if it is strictly for having fun, not dating.

But I need this, something fun to do while I’m trying to find guys I know and like. And forget about ones that aren’t interested. Soooo we made plans for this week… I’ll certainly let you know what happens, unless I cancel! No – but I won’t. This is me trying to do something different…

Dating Disappointment

I need February to be over. Too many disappointments recently.

Several weekends back I attended a joint 30th birthday for two UM people. A girl and a guy. I only knew the girl. It was a lot of fun and I surprisingly had three guys ask for my number. (this never happens)

The last guy I met that night arrived really late… my friends all thought we’d get along... so I was excited to meet him. By the time we got to chat, I was way way way too drunk. But so was he – so it was OK. Reasons why they thought I’d like him: TV producer, Jewish and really really sarcastic. I can’t verify the first two… but they were completely on the mark about the last quality.

I love snarky commentary, sarcastic and witty jokes – especially when it involves making fun of others (in a good way of course!). So since we were both completely wasted, our conversation was pretty funny. But there was something off – his comments seemed a little too mean. Especially when he was making fun of me! I just met the guy! I’m happy (and can take it) when it is directed to me. But, the dude didn’t even know me. It was a little off-putting, but we were flirting (I think) nonetheless, and I was going to take what I could get.

Anyway, I was glad nothing happened with the guy, because I thought there was potential and I didn’t want to be that girl. He called a few days later. I am not a big fan of using the telephone for chit chat, but he caught me off guard as I was walking the dog one night. And surprisingly, we had a good conversation! Not too weird, he was still a little mean, but he was just trying to be funny. We just couldn’t find an evening in the near future for both of us to meet up. And I didn’t want to keep up the phone calls until we saw each other. What if he was horrible? I didn’t want to waste all that precious talking time!

Two weeks went by until we finally found a day to meet. There was all this built up anticipation – both from me and my friends. Not good. From the get-go, he made it clear this “date” had to be quick. He had to get back to his editing room. Shaving my legs: big waste of time. We met at a really random bar. By this I mean, completely non-descript. Not a small little dive bar with a hip feel to it, not a lounge, not part of a restaurant. Just something you’d walk by everyday and not even notice. Citysearch wasn’t about to be writing a review of this place. I’m not a snob… but it was just pretty obvious that he didn’t put much thought into this. Like he was completing a chore by meeting me here.

I don’t know what happened in the weeks since we first met. But we had very little to talk about, there was no spark, few laughs. Was it because we were really drunk the first time?? I don’t know if I was the bore, or he was on this date. But either way, this was a major let down. After one beer, he needed to head back to work. We left the bar, he grabbed a slice and hopped into a cab. I can safely say that we won’t be contacting each other.

I hate dating.

February slump kids… February slump.

February Slump

So I'm in a slump - which I'll post more about later today. Last year we were all in a slump and decided to throw a party - my friend created this fabulous video which always perks me up for a little. It's no pill... but still makes me smile. Hoping it might make you too...

What Goes Around Comes Around...

I guess it's only fair. After whining and moping about how all I do is ask this guy to hang out with me - platonically or otherwise - and he ignores the invitation... I'm about to do the same thing. And I don't feel that bad.

Remember that nerd from Valentine's Day? Well of course that's who I attract and that's who calls me TWICE. I'm almost 30. I shouldn't be using the term nerd, right? But he really is. And his voicemail messages leave no doubt in my mind. One week later and I now have an e-mail from the guy. An invitation for coffee that reads more like an office memo. It's actually not an invitation, but a query of my "availability."

Can I ignore this one too? I guess I'd like an answer. But how could he really want to be contacting me?? I was pretty aloof and disinterested last week, only to make it clear he shouldn't be asking me for my number! I guess that didn't work...

Just once I'd like my feelings for someone to be equally reciprocated. At the same time. I seem to attract the wackos... while the guys I like probably think I'm a little off my rocker!

What goes around comes around...

Live From New York...

I love funny guys. When I was in high school, I once called Saturday Night Live and convinced David Spade to take my call. I was always dragging my friends to comedy clubs, Conan O’Brien tapings, sleeping on the street for SNL tickets. There’s just something about a good-looking comedian… after I got a job at Saturday Night Live, I knew that one day… I was sure to end up with one. Well this hasn’t happened. When I was out of work for a year, I contemplated tending bar at a comedy club for my career, just so I could figure out how to meet my comedian.

Almost three years ago, I met one at a share house in the Hamptons. However, as it was the summer and he was a guy, he wasn’t interested in dating anyone (or me) and I had to settle for just hanging out with him and his friends. Throughout the year, he invited me to some of his stand-ups (along with the other people on his email distribution list) and we saw each other at random parties. I always thought there was a connection between us, good flirting and a lot of laughter, but he never seemed to reciprocate my feelings. Then summer came around again, and A G A I N we hung out, liked him, thought he liked me, but didn’t. Rinse and repeat.

Very disheartening. I have a habit of getting involved/attached to a guy I like and when he doesn’t feel the same way, instead of moving on – I focus on how shitty my life is and how much it sucks that this certain somebody isn’t interested in me. I’ve wasted a lot of time thinking about guys that are just not that into me. By living in this bubble of only focusing one guy, I’m sure I’ve missed other opportunities of getting to know somebody.

As it is now February, and I haven’t seen or heard much from this guy since the summer, I’ve gotten him out of mind. I promise. At least until Memorial Day weekend rolls around. Last week, he told me that he and his friends are going to be performing at a bar near my house tonight. More comedians to meet! He’s a cool guy and his friends are probably just as outgoing, but I don’t know anyone there and don’t really want to go to this kind of thing by myself. Most of my friends aren’t up for Mondays and also aren’t up for comedy anymore either.

So I casually asked my friend from work. We seemed to be on good terms the last couple of weeks and I thought we’d both have a good time. He answered that it sounded interesting. That was Friday. Today – he’s said nothing. That’s just so incredibly unfriendly. Can’t a person just say, ‘busy’ and move on? Even lie? But to just not respond??

It's not so much that I still like him; I just like the idea of him.

I mean – I have some pride. I can't really still be interested in someone like that – who everyday makes it clear "he's just not that into me." I cannot be that pathetic. And I'm not that desperate.

I just need a distraction. A funny one would be nice.

Who is out there??

My Valentine’s evening was just any other Wednesday meeting with friends for a quick drink. I certainly wasn’t going into it thinking I was supposed to meet someone, and wasn’t upset about it being Valentine’s Day. I never really understood the big deal about this holiday anyway. I was in a fine mood… however I found myself heading home feeling more confused about things than I should have.

This spot near my house was having a free 6-8PM wine and chocolate event, being pegged to the holiday as a place for (lonely) singles to go. I knew there would be a ton of girls (which there were) and old couples who never turn down anything free (which there were). The event was so poorly organized and so crowded I was never going to taste enough of anything to make the event worth my time.

I arrived early and decided to get on one of the lines before my friends showed up. (One thing about wine tastings: the lines never move. Wine drinkers can be absolutely nauseating with all of their questions!) There was one guy standing by himself, still all strangely bundled up in his winter coat, but not bad looking. I noticed that he was staring at me for a while, but did nothing. Didn’t move. Didn’t smile. I looked over again, and he was gone. He had sidled up behind me on line.

I understand that people are shy. I do. But why is it always my job to do the talking? Be a man. Say something. Anything. I could literally hear his brain working, to try and think of words to come out of his mouth. I smiled and tried to be encouraging, but I was really biting my tongue to start. It was just getting awkward. Then a group of five girls got on line behind him. I could hear them complaining about the line, so I chimed in and made a joke about the wine snobs who were holding up our getting a buzz going. This allowed the strange guy to start talking. Finally. But 30 seconds into it – I wish he had kept quiet. His voice was near robotic and his conversation was close to painful. And he lived in Long Island.

Finally my friends arrived and we tried to get a few more drops of wine out of the place before we went to a real bar. Yet the strange guy kept following us around. We tried including him, but it was hard. What did get him talking was when my friend asked what he liked to cook. He must’ve gone on for 12 minutes about cookies. Then silence. Then he says I also like cheesecakes. He was just so socially awkward! I felt so bad for the guy! He made the step of coming to the wine tasting by himself, and was really trying to talk. We decided to leave, said goodbye to the guy… and then he taps me on the shoulder and asks me for my phone number. Again – I was really proud of the guy. But my phone number?? Because we had such an awesome conversation and really connected?? I gave him my card and left.

Why was I so mortified? Or rather, just disappointed? Because I know these are the types of guys my age currently on Jdate: good on paper (decent looks, a job, likes to cook, etc), but are terrible at chit chat and basic socializing. It just put a whole cloud on the entire prospect of available guys out there – I would have preferred not witnessing this dark, sad side of New York Singledom.

The best part of the night was Friday Night Lights. Really. The best television this season was the last 15 minutes. Please make sure this show isn't cancelled and start watching!

Happy Valentine's Day

This is 30? Sign Me Up!

This weekend was "time well-spent." Didn't meet any interesting guys, but wasn't bored sitting home doing nothing.

At 30 (or close to 30), the dichotomy of invites I get is amazing. One night I can be at a party, filled with girls. Young girls. And where are the guys? Letting the young girls vie for his attention. Dancing, coke in the back room. Fun, but I never ever meet people at parties like this. I end up drinking too much, and disappointed that the one attractive guy there is surrounded by similar-looking 24-year old females.

The next night I got a jump start on what turning 30 is like when I traveled to Mamaroneck (!) to celebrate a friend's 30th. She said not to worry, the days leading up to it are a little unnerving, but she didn't combust or anything. What a different party from the night before! There were still too many girls and couples, but despite the average age of everyone being significantly older than the night before… the party was a lot sillier. Maybe it was all about regression, and wanting to act younger. Or maybe it was that we were all stoned and laughed for hours at trying not to let a purple balloon hit the floor. Yes, dumb. But we needed that laughter. I like going to parties like the night before, but no one seems to really be themselves.

So I’m at all these different types of events… and still not meeting anyone. It’s all kind of frustrating. I don’t want much. Just to laugh and make out with someone for a good long time every once in a while. Not a huge request. I don’t know why I don’t know any guys – I know one (or knew one) – but he’d rather sit home by himself than hang out with me! I have to believe I’m not that bad of an evening companion. So – here’s to not giving up yet and purple balloons.

Jerk

I'm not having much luck.

Not that I cared that much about my date last week, but apparently he's not done with his ex-girlfriend. We had a brief exchange about meeting up this weekend. I have a friend's 30th to go to and mentioned that he'd be more than welcome to come. Then - not two days later - he tells me how he really enjoys hanging out with me - but it wouldn't be fair. He's been kind of sort of talking to his ex again and it looks like they may be giving their relationship another try.

whatever

Definitely Not Contact Lens Worthy

Getting set-up by a friend is a dangerous thing. Or at least I think it is. NOT ONCE has a friend ever offered or suggested someone for me. And I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Either no one they know is good enough (or vice versa!) or they don't just want me to meet the only other single person they know for the sake of simply matchmaking, which I appreciate. I'm not sure I'd want to go on a set-up, in case we have nothing but horrible things to say about each other and it would be weird to tell our mutual friend how the date turned out. Nevertheless... it still does bother me a little that no friend has ever thought to get me a date.

So I have to rest on my own (poor) man-finding skills, or... THE INTERNET.

For my $34.95, I picked out 10 or so guys I liked and decided to be outgoing on this thing and contact them myself. Maybe I was shooting way out of my league or something, but I shot a big fat zero. I had to settle for meeting the men that contacted me. And I wasn't too jazzed about any of them.

After weeks of dragging my feet, I made plans to meet one of them for a drink. I really couldn't tell anything from his picture, but he was a good e-mailer, worked in a similar industry to mine, didn't live in Brooklyn - so I decided he deserved to see me in my contacts. For those who don't know me, this is HUGE. I'm very lazy about putting those things in my eyes.

I really don't know how to date. Aside from the fact that I was sooo not attracted to him and didn't want to see him again... he should have wanted to see me again! It wasn't a bad conversation at all -- and I was wearing contacts!!

He had an old man ring of hair on his head. I'm not opposed to guys who are losing or have lost their hair, but don't make yourself look like you're 56! Shave the whole thing off. And if you can't look good in a pair of jeans... don't wear them. He was wearing what my grandmother would have called dungarees. Rolled at the cuffs.

But aside from this, we actually had some fun things to talk about. And since it was me - we talked about TV for a couple of hours. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good catch to a schlumpy nerd who likes television as much as me... but for some reason, I can't flatter myself that much.

A guy that I don't even like isn't calling me. Maybe he could tell that I wasn't really into him romantically, but I don't think I was cold or stand-offish. I think he darn well would have wanted to call me!!

Maybe I've just got to set my sights on men that don't even speak English. This kind of thing really brings me down, and I know I can't let it upset me... but it does. It's hard to keep up my self-esteem when non-contact lens worthy online guys aren't calling me.

But I must soldier on, I guess. And I'll let you know what happens with that guy from last week. Though I'm not anticipating that much.
********************
Maybe I'm just not a dater. I'd like to just go on a mini-vacation with someone I like... I'm serious about that. Something fun and spontaneous and totally random. Dating and the politics that go along with it, aren't things I'm good at, I guess.

A Date A Date A Date !!!

I probably didn't need three exclamation points in the above title, but hey, it's been awhile!

So you may remember I wrote about an old (but young) dog park friend I ran into at the gym a few weeks back. I didn't see him again, but he did his due diligence and got my info from a common acquaintance at our spin class. Quel surprise!

After a few fun e-mails back and forth, I invited him to Trivia night at my local bar. I was already meeting a couple from my St. Martin trip, so I played it off as a casual thing. The bar has gotten way way too crowded, and it was hard to hear everyone, but we still had a good time. He was completely at ease with the other people there - and seemed to really be interested in everyone. As it was winding down, and Quizmaster Jeff was going to announce how awful we placed, he asked me if I'd like to get dinner tomorrow (today).

wow - I thought. wow for a number of reasons. He didn't think it was strange or pushy for him to ask to see me 2 days in a row, and wow that he asked in front of everyone. It just seemed very adult of him!

Now here's where I usually look for an excuse. I really think he's a cool guy, he's certainly good-looking - but I didn't yet know if there was that jump across the table anytime anyplace need to climb on top of him kind of feeling. And I usually don't wait to see if those feelings develop, but rather just decline the offer.

But - this is the new me, right? So I said Yes. I'm just back from my favorite Margarita place, MaryAnns - and how can anyone not enjoy themselves after several MaryAnn margaritas? And it was fun -- and I'm glad I said yes.

Conversation was good, drinks and food were also good (better?) and we had a non awkward kiss on the corner. It was no more weird than that kind of situation should be... and I'm expecting I'll see him again!

I sort of feel like I'm in 11th grade again - and that's a good thing! Anything to prolong the big 3-0 coming up... BUT I am going to not really care how this progresses. Sort of take the whatever attitude about the whole thing. He may not be my
cooking class companion, but I could see him crashing a
wedding or two...

****
A sidenote about my last post:
You're now seeing the edited version. There was a paragraph that my friend didn't take to be too, uh, friendly. I apologized - and I meant it. I was just hurt by how quickly (and smugly) he seemed to have dropped me as a friend. (see where I'm confused, here)
Whatever, it's over. and he seems fine. I just probably killed any friendship we might have one day had, and I'm disappointed about that. I chased too aggressively, apparently. And I SWORE I wouldn't do that again after the last few crushes.
Either I'll never learn, or maybe I'll meet someone that is OK with me being me and speaking waaaaay too much. I don't know how to play games, and I guess, play it cool. Maybe I never will.

Grasping for Air

Some guy told me that I'm grasping for air if I really thought he would have given us a try. Maybe he didn't mean it to come out like that, but it sure sounded like he was trying to be an asshole.

What brought about that grasping for air comment was after I expressed my disappointment that we weren't hanging out any longer. Not because I wouldn't get to be with him, but rather because he wouldn't get to be spending time with me.

This post is not about him. It's about me. Maybe a boost for me. I'm almost 30, and I really really don't know why I care. In the past, I have made it sound like I have zero self-esteem. That's not entirely true. There are some blue days where I do think like that. But if I want to be completely honest: he (or anyone) should be thinking about me when he wakes, when he eats, when he works and when he sleeps.

Guys who spend even a little bit of time with me can see that I'm smart and sarcastic. I'm still surprised every time I make someone laugh - but I know I do. I'm outgoing and friendly without stepping over the obnoxious line. I love being on a date, and making the bartender laugh. This guy I know wouldn't even have his precious half-court photo if it wasn't for me being my outgoing, smart-alecky, happy self. I'd like to know how many other girls he knows that are as resourceful, considerate, bold and plucky as me!

Sometimes I have to remind myself about exactly who I am.

Anyone should feel lucky and flattered that they get to see this side of me. Hey, thirty is the new 20. I am not grasping for air, waiting for anyone to notice me and like me and pick me. It's more like I'm grasping for air, hoping things will finally come together with someone. That's an attractive and admirable trait I possess, not a desperate one. It would have been fun, but let me be completely honest with myself: it's their loss.

Game On

Glad for the weekend, but my Friday night was uneventful. I'm going to have to try and pick someone up tonight. Get a phone number, step up my game a little.

Over the last couple of days I had time to reflect on some of my earlier posts. They focused on my sex and dating life... or lack thereof. And this dry spell hasn't done much for my confidence, which is leading me into perpetual singledom.

Where and how am I going to get the experience and therefore, confidence, if I don't ever get together with anyone more than once?

A friend of mine recently said that familiarity often makes experimentation easier. I couldn't agree more. Aside from breeding this experimentation and creativity, familiarity also allows for things to get better. It's hard to feel comfortable and secure with someone when it's the first encounter. First times can be weird.

I got a quick glimpse into what familiarity could lead to when I was in St. Martin last weekend. With each night, I was becoming more comfortable and trusting and would have been open to do more if it were presented to me. This little brother even complimented my Kama Sutra-like move, which I had no idea was even a Kama Sutra-like move! Good to know I have it in me! Just wish I had more people to play with more often!

These posts seem to all end on the same note: me questioning where and how I'm going to gain more experience, feel more comfortable and find a fun, good guy to hang out with a few times a week. Questions. No answers or stories about me actually getting off my behind.

When I go out with my friends, guys or girls, I usually do make it a point to strike up a conversation with one stranger. I'm not shy. Yet still, single. So I guess tonight, we'll have to make that two conversations with two people I don't know. We'll work from there...

Circle of Friends

I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I can slowly feel those rose-colored glasses creeping back on to my big stupid head.

Why??? Someone is not ready/interested in me, yet (or ever), but... not out of sight, not out of mind, I guess. It's hard spending many hours with someone when you (seem to) enjoy each other's company, laugh, tease, chat... and then at the end of the day, they're off somewhere else.

I guess I'm just frustrated being single in New York City. On the one hand, it's a sea of people out there. There should be no problem meeting new people everyday if one wanted. But on the other hand, people aren't open to expanding their circle. I have several friends that are all part of their own little groups. It's extremely rare that I'll be asked to come along with his or her group. My friends and I always just go out one-on-one. I never hear "I'm meeting some people after work for a drink. Do you want to come along?" Do we simply finish college, spend a year or two here, and then close the door? Saying I'm done and don't need anymore friends?? Does anyone remember having a new buddy drop by Joey and Chandler's apartment?

Or maybe I'm just a total goof and they don't want me to meet their other friends?? No, I know I can be fun. I'm sometimes a good addition to a bar or house party, or a basketball game. Even Stanford got invited out by Carrie to join the ladies every once in a while.

As I've repeated like a broken record - I want someone to kid around with and hang out at chill neighborhood bars with - but the only guy I know right now doesn't want to. So how can I shake this self-pity funk and distract myself? I've been advised to do that
cooking class alone. Or a book club. Or take some tennis lessons. For years I've whined that doing these things isn't going to introduce me to anyone of the male persuasion. But I guess I have to do it the reverse way now: rather than waiting for someone, I just need to start living and creating stories, even if they won't produce a male suitor - it's better than just wallowing, right?

I live in New York City - finding something to do after work, even if I am alone, should be an easy thing to do. So why aren't I? Laziness? Moodiness? I always come up with an excuse. Too far, starts too late, my dog needs to be fed, too much on my Tivo, etc.

I'll take suggestions -- let's get this to change.

Happy Post... Happy Post...

So after my last entry I've gotten some interesting feedback about the blog, translating into feedback essentially about me.

I get the feeling people like stories like that: happy posts

But I can't always deliver. I could add a post about the gritty details of the escapades in St. Martin, because I know blog readers seem to like dirty sex stories. I can't always go off and hook up with someone's younger brother on some tropical island. So where are these happy posts supposed to come from?

Isn't this why I wanted to begin this thing in the first place?

What should I do to get more happy posts? I want someone to go to bars with - trivia, pool, cause mayhem, talk to loud groups of fun drunks with. Smoke drink and watch bad TV with. I updated my profile on Jdate. After searching through some of the males, I decided to hold off on paying my $34.95.

My friend said I seemed to have had good luck with weddings. If I could type what a light bulb going off over my head would sound like, I would.

I'd like to get all dolled up with someone, and go crash a wedding. Drop in on a fancy hotel in NYC and stay for the cocktails and open bar before the table dinner.

Who's in? I'd say I'd like to shoot for this to happen before my 30th -- but, really, who am I kidding?

** some of the feedback:

By the time I got to the latest post I was completely invested, like watching the second half of "The Notebook."

awwww - but seriously, none of these crushes or hook-ups are Ryan Gosling. But in the movie, they ended up together. So maybe I'll take this as a sign to think positive.

Post some pictures. Not even of you, but everyone loves pictures.

enjoy.

Perfect Weekend

I really did have a perfect weekend. As you know, I was a little apprehensive, disappointed, nervous, anxious about going to St. Martin for a wedding where I didn't know the guests very well. But I didn't need to worry: I found some great people to hang out with who really enjoyed every moment of the trip and - I didn't have to spend one night in my hotel room!

*this is probably going to be a long post - so make time to read!

I befriended two gal pals of the bride, one who traveled with her younger sister and her fiancee, and the other girl came with her boyfriend. The six of us really clicked, thanks to the two men who are just great fun and outgoing people. It never felt weird for me to be a hanger-on with this group as I sometimes feel. Plus, I've made some friends I know I'll see again in New York. They love to drink, love to eat, love to beach it - and love to drink. Everyone rallied hard for this wedding weekend, drinking at 11AM, out all 3 nights until 4am - things I don't normally do in my current circumstances. (Not because I don't like it - but because I don't always feel comfortable with the group I'm with). I just felt carefree. And not left out.

As soon as we got off the plane Thursday, we were in the swim-up bar in our hotel pool. Right from the start I felt included with this group. There were some other single girls there for the wedding, and I felt bad for them. You know sometimes you can sense when one doesn't fit into a group? They try, and come to the evening events - but you can tell that they're the hanger-on? I've felt this way occasionally, but in St. Martin I was very fortunate that this wasn't me.

We had to meet the bride and groom at a beach bar shortly after we arrived Thursday. I watched the bar entrance of this "welcome party" - one eye as usual - looking for the possibility that there was a single guy invited to this wedding. There was one person that caught my attention at the bar, but I couldn't believe he was alone. Tall, very good looking, fit and friendly. I followed his movements for a few minutes, seeing that there was no girl. There was something too good looking about him that I assumed he'd be a fun and entertaining guest for the weekend, but probably too self-assured and I would be (1) intimidated by him, and (2) not his type. Right away we (surprisingly) noticed and smiled at each other. First thought was that I had some spinach or something in my teeth. Why else, right?

Turns out this new single person to join the festivities was the one person in the bride's family I hadn't yet met... her younger brother! He was a lot of fun - and a great addition to our group. After our quick introduction, he gathered the group I was with to move on and get some food. We didn't spend that much time talking chit chat, but it was a natural step for him to just come along. We all ended up at the casino until about 3, and the natural next step was for everyone to head back to the hotel and go their separate ways. And surprisingly -- it was natural for him and I to head back together.

This never happens to me - but it was great and fun - and just comfortable. Normal. I was expecting it all to be weird Friday and Saturday - at all the wedding events we had to attend. But it wasn't. I was probably more weird about it than he was -- considering he had tons of family to make conversation with, wedding party responsibilities, etc. He was incredibly mature, thoughtful, not embarrassed - introduced me to all the aunts, danced with me in front of everyone, didn't mind the funny gossip, wanted to pose for tons of pictures with me. As busy as he was being the brother of the bride, he still paid me a lot of attention I wasn't expecting. Even though we were in St Martin and he does live 2400 miles away from NYC, he didn't make me feel like this was a random hookup . (I've discovered that a recent hook-up has referred to me as random - isn't that lovely??)

All three nights we ended up together - just what the doctor ordered! And I wasn't too concerned/self-conscious that the hook-up was either ho-hum or not good - as we were getting together more than once! I'd love to detail the actual activity taking place... but this is a long post. Perhaps later. All in all... hooking up with someone who is even the littlest bit awake and happy to be there with me... is fabulous. Taking some mind-altering treats also helps (at least for me!)

Stella didn't entirely get her groove back on this trip -- but it definitely helped perk me up after the sloooow past couple of months I had! So to the little brother -- thank you for a fun weekend!

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

or something like that.

I'm off for a long weekend to St. Martin (or is it St. Maarten?) for a friend's wedding. There won't be many people I know and I'm sure the majority of those attending the wedding will be couples. I'm trying to make this trip feel more like just a relaxing getaway rather than me attending a wedding far away A L O N E.

So all I can think about is that movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back. That's just funny.

When I booked the trip four months ago, I was hoping I'd have a companion to come with me. But alas, like always, timing came in my way and mucked it all up. Various people couldn't come for various scheduling conflicts. Timing and I don't get along, apparently.

My last vacation with a guy was a spur of the moment getaway - it was the first thing we planned. I don't even think we went out on more than one official date. It was one of the most exciting and memorable weekends ever. This St. Martin trip was close to mirroring that sort of spur of the moment trip with a guy I hardly know kind of getaway. But timing.

I'm OK going solo... I need a mental health break. And a tan. Maybe I'll come back with some stories -- because you know, Thirty is the new twenty.

Until next week...

Rose-colored Glasses

I tend to have crushes on jerks.

That might be a little unfair. They haven't all been jerks, it's just that the relationships never developed. Either because they weren't that into me, or timing, or whatever. So I like to call them jerks. And once it's in my head that I like them and have been disappointed that it's not reciprocated, I look at these jerks as great guys. I can only see why I liked them in the first place and just lament over the fact that we can't move forward and get to know each other better.

It's very hard for me to see them without my rose-colored glasses. And fortunately for me, with my most recent crush, he removed the glasses for me. At least for now.

I know why I first thought there was some potential. Which I may have written about already. Since he's told me he's not looking for a relationship, he hasn't shown that side anymore. This may be a deliberate effort on his part for me to lose interest. But I still didn't see it fully.

He's read the blog, which I thought would work in my favor, as he'd be reminded of how we became friends in the first place and want to start hanging out again. But I don't really think he's seen this blog that thoroughly and has given much consideration to what I wrote. I could be wrong.

He has people over to watch TV, something any friend would like to be invited to. But he isn't asking. I'm still wearing the rose-colored glasses at this point. And since we are friends, I try to do the inviting. Which he politely declines.

It takes for him to do the equivalent of kicking a puppy for me to really say "His Loss." What knocked my rose-colored glasses off? His most recent weekend escapades. I'm glad he's having "fun" but there's a certain point where it's kind of gross. Not that I'm a prude, I guess I've just outgrown hearing about stories like that. I can certainly see the appeal in how he spent his weekend, but I was just hoping I'd fall for a guy that would be done with that. Not so much done with that, but someone who's not that intoxicated to remember what happened. Or someone who's done with doing that with strangers (me is OK!) and done with doing that with girls he really doesn't give a damn about.

Reading the details of his "fifth in 12 hours" (ejaculation, that is) with more than one person, has essentially knocked the glasses off my head. For now. I may get another glimpse of why I liked him in the first place, but for now - I'm glad he took the rose-colored glasses off for me.

I'd still be interested if he were to come around. I'm just glad the glasses came off now so I could focus on other people and other things. If things change, great. If not - also great. I just wish, with past crushes, I had my rose-colored glasses thrown off a little quicker.

So I'm going out now to have some beers with an old co-worker. Someone who recently left a comment on my friendster pic - saying I was looking "hot"
Time to put the glasses back on...

I write long posts, don't I? sorry...

Wanted: MAN * Reward: $1000

Does it seem normal to offer your friends $1000 to the person who can successfully set her up? And by successfully I mean, have this date turn into a long-term boyfriend/potential husband.
Normal? Crazy?

And no, this isn't me. Let me just repeat. This isn't me.

I went out to dinner last night with a friend to check out her new apartment and new neighborhood. With the exception of one or two, most of her other friends are married. This is why I love this girlfriend. We're great wingmen for each other, we just don't go out often enough.

So I asked her how the ladies are all doing... any gossip... new boyfriends... etc. There's one girl, who when we say her name, always use the word Crazy in front of. For example, How's Crazy So-and-so doing? So Crazy So-and-so sent around an e-mail to her friends offering $1000 to the person who sets her up with her new man. She's given them all of 2007 to earn their reward.

Wow? Right? I think this is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Not because it makes me feel better about myself and less nuts -- but also because whoever gets this reward, will always have a good story when thinking about her new HD flat screen.

And I thought I had the problem of scaring off potential new dates....! Talk about pressure. I'm just hoping to have someone to hang out with a few times a week, at local bars, or maybe to watch some bad television with . No one needs to meet my Mom for quite some time, thank you very much. I think Crazy So-and-so has already picked out her centerpieces for her upcoming nuptials.

If I ever get a copy of this wanted poster - I mean, e-mail - I'll be sure to post it.

Missed Opportunities

I recently posed a relationship question to my friend. This person claims to want to be involved with someone but knows that it may be too early to go down that road again. But this person is going out on dates... So I asked, why? If you're not ready?

What's going to make you ready to get involved with someone again? Is it a matter of timing? Or more about meeting the right person? But how do you know you've met the right person if you really only go out with someone just once? And go into the date thinking it's not going to proceed more than a short encounter?

Are you cutting this potential paramour short? Or can you really tell that there's no future? Honestly, who knows they've met the love of their life after one date?

This friend met someone who thought there could be "definite possibilities" with... but was honest enough to say that staying faithful at this point would be difficult. So my question was - why are you no longer hanging out with this person and getting to know each other better? If you're really not ready but do want a relationship at some point, why are you letting some people that you say you see possibilities with slip by, while still dating others?

I realize these are a lot of rambling thoughts with no answers... but I'm confused. If this person has come across some desirable and interesting people, is it really a good thing to pass them over? Just because you say you're not ready? Or is this just an excuse not to hurt the person and you never liked them that much anyway? And you're waiting to meet someone better?
see my earlier post about being confused.... i've got so many questions....!

In reflecting on these thoughts, I'm reminded of someone I really liked but just wasn't ready to move forward with. He was great, really open about how he felt about me - but did I turn him down because I was not ready? Or did I really think there was no potential for us? At the time I really wasn't ready because I wasn't over my last big disaster/romance. But I did like him. So why didn't I give us a chance by going out more?

Relationships seem to always be about making a decision that you aren't quite sure about. No one has a crystal ball. But not making that decisison may be a bigger mistake. It can be really hard to get missed opportunites back again. No one should live with regrets. So does this mean that when I come across someone I'm not sure about - I'll give them more of a chance and not judge so quickly?

I'm going to try.

Sorta Kinda Progress?

After work I dragged my behind to the gym. I hate going there at that hour but because of my long, smoked filled previous evening, I just couldn't get up today. (gasp!) Glad I went.

While barely breaking a sweat on the old lady elliptical machine and trying to focus on "The Daily Show" playing on my iPod, I decided I wasn't happy with the last post. About the smoke incident in my apartment. Not because it wasn't superbly written - but because it wasn't what this blog is about. Why is writing about my day going to change things and enable me to start living my life as I enter my 30s? The story was kind of interesting... but who other than my Mom and my neighbors would really care? So I started to stress about what I should be doing... how this blog really is pointless and I shouldn't just be writing about wanting a life.

And on cue... an old crush walked by. He lives up the street from me but I haven't seen him in at least 9 months. Just assumed he moved. We became friends from the dog park. He asked me out once for sushi after we took a Sunday night spin class together. At that time I was working the 5AM shift at work and thanked him but passed. Apparently that meant I never wanted to go to sushi with him. But I did - just not that night.

Until him asking me out, I always just thought of him as a friend. He's 3 years younger than me (and he looks it), cute, soft-spoken, always laughed at my weird sarcasm - but I just pictured him with some small cute 5'1" AEPhi girl from Roslyn. But like any other guy that shows interest, as soon as he asked me out for sushi, I decided I did have a crush on him. But like everything that happens with me, timing just wasn't in our favor and we were never able to try and go out. He eventually started dating someone and I tried to avoid him at the dog park. He was young anyway.

Fast forward more than 2 years... He seems a little older, not as skinny, still sweet and friendly. Like always I do all the talking. (My 9th grade teacher called me DOM: diarrhea of the mouth) Nothing amazing happened. But it was good to be reminded that there are other guys out there, and some that actually don't think I'm weird and crazy.

He had just gotten to the gym and I was just leaving so we couldn't walk home together. Talked about upcoming vacations. Said he was going skiing next month with just his friend and his wife (sign: no girlfriend). He told me he was going to take a spinning class on Monday. I said maybe I'd try and go, he countered with "knowing your going will keep me from not flaking out on the class." So I have to go, right? Even with that possibly cutting into my Golden Globes pre-show watching?? After the 2004 sushi offer and how often we run into each other, I guess I should.

I'm sure it'll turn out to be nothing... but it was nice to start the weekend off feeling a little bit interesting to someone other than my parents.

****
My other young "friend" from work did read the blog. After the many mentions of him all he said to me was "Your blog is nice." Gee... thanks. Nice? That's certainly not a 10-cent word. Also said it was well-written. Also (jokingly??) said I need some help. So does he! But his excuse is that he's 5 years my junior.
OK.
He was being strangely more friendly today. Either he really does think I'm certifiable, or he read my blog and realized I am slightly interesting and can be kind of amusing. That I'm not the typical NYC JDate-type. (I'd like to think that's a good quality of mine)

It's just too bad he's not ready/interested to hang out and watch the Golden Globes with me. But there are other award shows... and other guys out there...

* my hallway and apartment still smell, btw

Janeane Garofalo was Smokin'

What a crazy night...
No nothing good like me getting back together with anyone or meeting someone fabulous.

My sis and I were headed to see Janeane Garofalo at a new comedy place. I had about 30 minutes to get home from work, feed myself and the animals and leave. I'm very picky about what I eat so I thought I'd just boil some eggs and eat when we got back.

The comedy club is really nice-looking, better than some of the dumps we've been to. I made it a point to hang out and talk to the bartender for a while before the show. He wasn't busy, and he was cute, and maybe he would've put a little TLC into the over-priced cocktails. Anyway...

The show finally starts and during the very funny opening act, my stomach started to get angry that I didn't feed it. My mind jumped in and reminded me about my eggs waiting for me at home. Then my memory tried to remember if I shut the stove off. My memory failed. I had no idea!

The only two people who have my keys are my sister (who was sitting to my left) and my dog-walker. I ran out and called her to see if she was in my neighborhood. I didn't reach her. So I tried to just relax and enjoy the show and not worry about it. What could happen? That I ruin an old pot?

As Marc Maron was walking off and the MC was getting ready to bring Janeane out, my phone buzzed. It was a number I didn't recognize. Normally I would not pick it up. But because there was a little lull in the show, I ducked under the table to quietly see who it was. my doorman. to tell me my apartment was smoking. He only had the bottom key and was about to call the fire dept. I told him not to and we'd be right there.

It was all like out of a movie. Me yelling in slooow mootion. We grabbed our bags, cursed at the coat check girl to move faster and bolted down 14th Street. Grabbed a cab, shrieked at the cab driver to step on it. We got two blocks and I said "fuck it" and left the cab. I ran so fast. (My sister still beat me in the cab)

The smoke was so bad both in my apartment and the hallway -- you couldn't even see! It was so scary. The neighbor said the cat had been crying for 45 minutes. Everyone was alright, thankfully. But it was so scary. My sister was close to crying that we were going to lose the animals and I was going to get hit by a bus.

I of course was worried about my loved ones, but really couldn't believe that a fire was going to happen. And couldn't believe the smoke would be that bad! I was more concerned with what an idiot move I did. How I would and could never do something like that! I was also proud of ourselves that we managed to get our drinks for free! And I also lamented over the fact that I had no more eggs!

I'm so lucky - lucky that i was nearby, and that something possessed me to answer the phone at a comedy club from a number I didn't recognize.

We sat in my smoky and freezing apartment (windows and door open) watching The Office and The OC. just sitting there still stunned, hugging the animals and drinking double doses of crystal light and vodka.

If anyone saw Janeane Garofalo last night -- we didn't even get to see what she was wearing -- I'd love to know how the show was!

Memory Lane

So I haven't had anything to Blog about aside from my shitty day at the office Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday I had friends cancel on me. (But, like always, I was secretly relieved. They were going to be boring anyway.)

Tonight, after watching the Commander in Chief have the balls to say he's sending 20K more troops to Iraq, I went to walk the dog. I reached for my old stack of newspapers and found a Post from December 7th. On the back I had 11 names. And I just burst out laughing. I'm sure after too many of my homemade cosmos (they're really good) I must've wanted to write down some of the guys I got together with in my 20s. To either prove I'm not pathetic, or I am pathetic. Not sure which.

Either way, the list just made me smile. Not out of fond memories I'm sure. Only a few guys were actually repeats. That might have been what made me laugh. They were mostly jerks. What probably made me laugh is why I wrote the list. If it's from the NYPost of Dec7th, I was probably just realizing that I might have a new crush. And then I got all insecure about what might happen and needed to justify that I have had men interested in me. Just silliness.

The list is funny for a number of other reasons

• Roger - acne, fat, boring - why did I like him? We got together for many months, but he wasn't really that interested.
• Noah - a guy I met at a bar one night, had such an attraction to, brought him home and had sex with him literally before the front door to my apartment was closed. We later ran into each other at a club in East Hampton and I had no memory of who he was. After remembering, that didn't stop me from getting together again with him in the parking lot of that club.
• Christian: too much hair and gel and he wore too many turtlenecks. He did like me, but I stopped calling after a few weeks. I knew it wouldn't work: on our first meeting he made fun of my friends and me for spending Halloween weekend in Disney World. He thought it was uncultured or something.
• Then I have Evan: who I can't write about. I was crazy about him and that lasted for way too many years. Now, he's married and has a daughter with the girl he first broke up with for me.
  
• Evan S. - I probably only got together with him because of the name. see above
• Also on my list is guy with kid
  Someone I dated for a few weeks after meeting him at tortilla flats. We had a couple of hot and heavy PDA sessions at bars and parks... but he had had a kid and lived in NJ. I really don't remember his name.
  
• I had scribbled young kid also on the back of the paper.
  I brought some 24 year old home with me on my 28th birthday. He was actually I really nice guy but I pulled a disappearing act after 2-3 dates. Felt bad for a little... but then 2 months later I got a voicemail from him saying he had chlamydia... which I do not, unequivocally, have... thankgoodness.

Why did I decide to blog about all of this? I'm still not sure. There were other guys, and others that could have been, and guys I really really wanted - but the list is just sad. No loves, no passion, just funny stories I hardly remember. No real best friends. No one that just called me and wanted to watch sports or news and smoke and have sex and sleep.

Where do I find the guy who wants to do that, and he doesn't repulse me with all of his hair gel and turtlenecks?

Slo Day

I woke up very tired this morning to work out, but was optimistic about the day. Watching the news about the strange gas smell permeating throughout Manhattan gave the day a little bit of excitement, and I was glad to come to work with an answer to "What did you do this weekend?" Plus I was feeling completely fine about my former crush and how happy he was about his most recent date. Really, I was cool with it - and kind of couldn't remember why I liked him anyway.

But something about this Monday took a turn, and I can't really pinpoint why. I'm not in a bad mood, but I am feeling a bit down.

I'm not sure if it's fair to blame the job or even that guy. But this place is really boring. And empty. So on top of my real life being kind of lonely, work also makes me feel pretty isolated. I'm just sitting here watching TV, and plan on leaving here at 6 to go home to sit there and watch TV.

My boss did give me a project: He handed me a list of 75 items. My task is to label 75 hanging folders with the items on this list. Thrilling. I used to be the solo writer and producer of one full hour of cable news a day. Now I'm sitting here playing with a label-maker.

This assignment isn't something new. But a mere three weeks ago, I had someone to talk and flirt with to make the day a bit more interesting. This place felt kind of fun (it could have been the Friday glasses of wine we poured!) Work was definitely tolerable. Now - I can't say the job is helping me feel less depressed.

I need something to do! I don't want to work on my resume and start looking for a new job. I did that for over a year. Plus it's a little too early to jump ship. I'd like my boss to help me get my next job - but I really have to make this day more worthwhile. I've mastered sudoku.

I've hit rock-bottom if the only thing I can look forward to is next week's Golden Globe Awards. And of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't look at it from a glass half empty perspective: I have no one to watch the show with.

I said I wasn't going to have a drink tonight, take the day off... but it doesn't look like that's going to be the case. I guess I should find a new habit to help combat the boredom...

Disney's version of NY

I love Disney World. Been there so many times, with friends and family. I'm sure I'll be there soon again.

But I went to Central Park last night, to ice skate, in 70 degree weather -- and this definitely filled my Disney void for the year. It was so beautiful and so out of the ordinary to do something like that in New York City, under the lights, surrounded by the rocks and the buildings -- and wearing short-sleeves! I'm not the greatest skater - but it was just such a unique way to spend part of my Saturday Night. It was like I was in Epcot - Disney's version of NY!

Then my sister, her boyfriend and 2 of our girlfriends went to 6th Street for some cheap Indian and lots of cheap wine. Nothing eventful in the man department, but I feel a little better about how often I've been going out. I still feel a little left out when I hang out with these friends, that they're all much more fun than I am, but I'm there and trying to enjoy myself.

I got home and ate a whole pint of ice cream. Why??? I need a guy to go home with so I don't do stupid things like that! I should have just smoked some pot and went to sleep. I was so mad the next day (today) I went to the gym twice! I may be trying to get out there and do something different, shake my routine and my slump... but it's hard to lose all of my crazy habits!

Jessie's Girl is Livin' on a Prayer

I'm back from a night out on the town with the ladies. It was fun - dancing, making eyes with some good lookers, drinking, but eventually uneventful.

Can one ever meet anyone really at these places? If I do start up a conversation with someone, it's usually hard to hear them, superficial and then fizzles after a few minutes.

Getting to know a guy and finding someone I like feels so easy and right and natural feeling when it's a friend first -- just like that guy from work. They know what you look like during the day, when you're being serious or funny, what you eat for lunch.

Back to the bar: there were some fun guys dancing with us, who weren't afraid to look silly, but after 1AM, if a guy comes up to one of us - he's really just looking to see if we're the one he's going to go home with, right?
And I'm not opposed to that - I do need someone to go home with every once in a while, a random hook-up. But for some reason, I'm just not into that anymore. Maybe it's because I feel too old, too complicated, dog at home - I just want to hook up with someone that's going to want to be with me the next day. But chicken and the egg: where do I meet them?? Not at a bar at 2AM? What should I be doing?? And since when did I start to feel old at one of these places???

I already broke my resolution so I'm taking his number out of my phone. The bar and party was a really good time, and I knew my crush would like it. I honestly was just wanting him to come - to show that I'm cool with everything, that I'd like us to try and be friends. Even though he's on dates. So I stupidly sent him a text - I am such an idiot. To him, I'm sure I don't come across as a friend - just stoking his ego and letting him think all I want is for us to go out. I have to play it cool - and not chase after people. I'm almost 30 and I've been doing the same ridiculous things for years. Is this why I'm single??

Maybe I shouldn't even have a cell phone.

Hot and Cold

Yin and Yang
Dog and Cat
Mars and Venus

...and of course...
Men and Women

two primal opposing but complementary forces found in all things in the universe

I know we're supposed to be different, but how can we be so different?

When I like someone, I like someone. There may be a fading as to how much I like him, but if there was something there once, there will always be a little feeling for the guy. (unless of course he kicks a puppy)

So how come guys can seemingly turn off their affection for the girl (me) to zero. frigid. nothing. I just don't get it. Girls they really liked and thought there could be relationship potential with. Girls they've slept with.

Is that it? The sex part? Now I know it's not a shocking notion that guys are able to have sex with girls they don't care about, but in this case, I'm referring to girls they really did like.

Are they just assholes? Or are we really that different? That one instance, or exchange, or look, or whatever - can make a guy completely lose all feeling for a girl? Turn him elsewhere for good? How can they really not show any interest in her at all??? If they once did???

So if that's the case, is there any hope that I'll understand and find a connection with any man? Should I turn to girls?

Absolutely not. But where are the non-assholes?

Unexpected Call

So I was lamenting that my phone hasn't been ringing in quite some time...
And as I left work - it rang.

Last week, my sister and I went to Trivia night at our local bar. A two-man team consisting of us never usually proves to be much of a force. So we scouted the place for some attractive guys. We should have been looking for intelligent guys. We joined up with a group up front who were happy to have us.

It was a good time, nothing spectacular. The one guy that showed a little interest? His name? Lorenzo. (see earlier post about Barry). He asked for my phone number, didn't think anything more about it. And surprise surprise - Lorenzo called a week later, a few hours ahead of this week's trivia.

He said he didn't know if he was going to make it tonight, but it was flattering nonetheless. There's probably nothing there, but it boosted my spirits a little as it happened when it really hit me that the work guy no longer has any interest in me.

sidenote: what did bum me out today??
The O.C. has been given it's death sentence. I guess it was time, but the show's been really great this year. They should at least have kept it going through the season. Not cutting it short now?? Adam Brody is single... so maybe he'll have time to visit NYC... and bump into me somewhere...

sounds like somebody's got a case of the monday's

I work in a very small office. So when someone is upset or moody, we all know it.

Now I'm the last person to really complain about someone dragging their personal garbage to work. But I do try to hide it. When a co-worker needs me, I don't just sit there and do it, with my head hung low. Ignoring everyone.

I've always been very sensitive and read too much into people. But no matter who the person, I worry that they are unhappy because I've done something. Work or personal related.

It just drags everyone down... You know who you are.

My life blows: but let's try and focus on some upcoming good things.

New episodes of Friday Night Lights, The OC and maybe an evening out at Trivia. I've got nothing planned for the weekend, and no friends to really call upon to make some plans. But I'm trying not to sit here sulking. And make everyone around me miserable too... You know who you are.

Zip It

I have to learn to keep certain things to myself. Give people a little mystery... make them want to learn more about me. Maybe this should be my 2007 Resolution. Stop calling first, emailing first, texting first - I never thought those were important rules. It's just me being me. But if a guy is into me, he'll call. Me making the first move is pointless.

So I casually mentioned that I had this blog. The guy that's been mentioned in way too many posts asked to read it. I said no, not yet, and he shrugged and walked away. So of course I go and bring it up again. I want him to really want to read this thing. Because if he does, it means he's interested in what I have to say and think about him and guys in general. But he doesn't really press the topic... which means he's pretty 'meah' about me. But in my haste to say all... I'm this close to sending him the link.

He did mention me in his blog.
He grouped me into girls that he slept with in 2006, and girls that he doesn't feel like repeating, and girls where he was 'dating down.' So what the hell right? Send him the blog. Nothing's going to change. He doesn't want to start something up with me now, and from reading his post, he doesn't want to start something up with me at all.

But before I do, know that this blog is not about him. He's just been the only guy that I've had any sort of interaction with in the last month, since the blog began. He could be replaced by numerous guys I've come across in the last 10 years.

So should I send him this? If I stick with my resolution - the answer is no.

Let's see if he asks me again to read it...

Hurting, Not Helping

I'm not really sure what I hope to accomplish here. Is this blog going to get me new friends, a guy who's crazy for me, show me how to have a good time when I go out at night? These are the same questions I hurl back at my mother when she tells me to go into therapy.

Earlier, I found myself reading Glamour magazine's sex and dating blog and it completely depressed me. She's pretty and confident and IS actually dating. I'm not. Why should reading about someone else make me sad? It's not exactly jealousy, because she seems like someone I would like. But I guess the feeling is more a mix of zero confidence and depression.

And I have friends. Great, married friends. Back in college I know I suffered from some sort of social anxiety. And I'm afraid it's back. I was out a few weekends ago with a really fun group of people. But I just couldn't enjoy myself. It was if I had smoked some pot (which I hadn't) and all I kept repeating in my head was how I don't fit, I'm boring, they're so much more fun than me. All crazy thoughts.

Buuut... some of the more enjoyable nights of the past couple of years, were always with guys I like. No matter what we were doing - I always just had a fun time. Not looking at my watch, not feeling insecure. So maybe it's not social anxiety. Maybe I just really want to have that best friend to go out with. But if I don't go out... I'm not going to meet any potential best/boyfriends. chicken and the egg thing.

This is probably why I get depressed after one or two dates and the guy isn't looking to pursue things right now. I get a little glimpse of what life could be like if I had that boyfriend. And then for whatever reasons, it's gone. I don't get to hang on to that feeling.

Do I need to change my medication? Or join a tennis league? Get back on Jdate? None really appeal to me. If I had someone to join the tennis league with me... but again, chicken and the egg.

We don't even want to get into the medication discussion right now. I can blame them for making me self-conscious about sex too. Right after college, they completely ruined my libido. I think it's returned, but I'm not sure what the problem was the last time I tried to have sex (future post).

I'm really trying not to care about my recent crush/crash. But he just mentioned to me how a family member of his is clinically depressed. This bit of insight into his life makes me even more interested. Because I know he's person who could be empathetic and he wouldn't necessarily be scared off by me. (He's blogging right now. I'm sure not about me, but about the numerous other girls he'd rather spend his time with. I really need to get a grip on reality. pathetic)

Bottom line, reading about other girls living life shouldn't make me sad. It should make me want to go out and live the same.

Do Over

I know I can't do my 20s over, but is there any chance of getting this past New Year's back? What a waste.

I was correct that the guy wasn't going to call. Not sure what it is about New Year's, but they think if they ask a girl to hang out with them on that night, the girl is going to be expecting a ring come January 2nd. It would have been fun to have someone to flirt with. There were new guys at the party, but I still find the whole thing awkward when it's someone new... Or maybe I'm just awkward.

So my big day of preparation included: a 7-mile run, manicure, eyebrow wax, spray-on tan, haircut and color, even shaved my legs. It should have been just any other night out.

Met at my friend's house for a little pre-p gathering. I drank. And I ate. And that's about all I remember. I am not a lightweight, but leaving there, getting to the party, and making it home - is all a little fuzzy. A lot fuzzy. Apparently there was a guy I was talking to that was interested. I'm not even sure I made it to midnight. I woke up hours later in my bed, and was sick all day.

Not sure why it ended up as it did: it's just a night. But maybe because of all the pressure associated with New Years to have a great time, I literally made myself sick. I don't think I drank any more or differently than I did on any other weekend night.

Now back to the guy: I wasn't all that OK with the fact that he didn't call. So much so that I even sent him a text before the evening began. I really have to not keep guy's numbers stored in my phone. It wasn't a needy, desperate message or anything. Just a hello and Happy New Year. He never replied back.

I've been very aloof to him today at work. Not because I'm really mad, and I'm not aloof enough for him to think I'm mad. He says he needs time and needs a friend right now - fine. I can do that. Maybe. I'm just disappointed. That maybe I blew it, or timing isn't in my favor now. Whatever the reason for me being a bit sad about it, I can't do anything about anything.

He volunteered his New Year's to me. How he was up all night before and how he needed some help to stay awake, stayed at a friend's house just being messed up. And then he tells me he got depressed. So I have to ask why? Even though I know the answer. New Years is the ex's birthday, and it's his first New Years without her. blah blah blah
I'm not the best for offering sympathy to anyone with relationship problems, especially his. Maybe this makes me cold - but try complaining to someone else. I've never even had a real person to miss so excuse me for wanting to just scream "get over it." a little bitter sounding... sorry.

But I am so sad and pathetic, hearing his story and knowing he was staying at his friend's house, a mere 3 blocks from my place - he could have called me. Am I that terrible? I would have loved to have him crash at my place. Isn't that sad of me? That I would prefer to be used and stepped on, then alone.

oh my - what another depressing post. Hopefully with the new year, I'll start living. Since I can't do that night over, I can start the year out in a better state of mind. Just how do I get there???

Looking to 2007

Now I understand people are just being polite. Making conversation.
But if one more person asks "Big plans for New Years?" I think I may scream.

Why is this night such a big deal? It shouldn't be... but of course it is. Just like Valentine's Day. I've never had a date on either December 31st or February 14th. And the next 12/31 and 2/14 will be my last in my 20s.

I've become really anxious the last week about what I am and am not going to be doing this coming New Years. My sister and some of our friends are out of town. And some others are coupled up and are calling it a Chinese take-out Ryan Seacrest kind of night. There's one girlfriend having a big house party in Ft Greene, and I'm glad to have this place to go, but I really don't want to go solo. It's not a crowd I'm familiar with... and with my recent crash and burn of the crush, I'm feeling more upset and anxious about the night being a bust.

Oh - and then when I tell these inquisitive people that my plans are still up in the air? I get a total look of pity, telling me something will work out last minute. This doesn't help.

New Years might very well be what has messed it up for me right now with this guy. After one hook-up and a little bit of interest on his part, I mistakenly jumped on the "I have a date on New Years" train. I know I can get depressed and pessimistic, but like a puppy, all you need to do is show me a little affection, and I lose all sense of reality. I'm too optimistic. He returns from vacation that morning, and I still may get that call to hang out. But I shouldn't hold my breath... he's told me he's not ready to date and we may have moved too fast. But like that stupid dog, I am holding my breath.

I keep envisioning that this time is going to be different: he's going to change his mind, sweep me off my feet, shower me with love and affection and kisses and show me a mind-blowing New Years. I need to be prepared that this isn't happening. That when Sunday rolls around and I don't get that phone call... that I shouldn't collapse into tears and self-hate mode and elect to not even go out at all (a very real possibility).

As Jon Lovitz would say: I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?
So I have a vivid imagination -- that this New Year's will be different. I need to just learn to accept the difference between fantasy and reality. There are some girls that guys possibly maybe mull over, and then there are those girls the guys actually take out on New Years and Valentines Days.

Depressing? A little?

Recent crush/crash - start part deux

I hope that if and/or when this crush does read this, he doesn't get it in his head that this whole blog is because of him. There are certainly other guys I've scared off, taking part in stories that sound eerily and sadly similar to this one. He's just the most recent and on the top of my 'to-blog-list.'

So now we come to December. And I'm definitely crushing. Work is fun and there's a little butterfly (maybe just a moth) floating about in my stomach, I think about what I'm wearing in the morning... definite crush. But I've still sort of convinced myself that's all that it's going to be. My track record emphasizes this last point. Right? It's been years since anyone I've liked has shown any interest -- so why now?? Why now with a 24 year old? Not going to happen...

We're friends and there's nothing really weird about two co-workers wanting to hang out outside of the office. He was coming by my desk often enough and resting his head on my shoulder kind of thing...
He's pretty comfortable to do that at work. Most guys I've been around always were embarrassed about doing that in front of colleagues.

He finally convinced me to go to trivia night with him. (Not so much convincing, but I was still acting wishy-washy about the whole thing. Why? I guess because I was definitely crushing at this point) I invited him over to my place first so I could feed the animals and make us each a drink or two. This was fine, I was relaxing. If he really thought I was an ugly bore, he wouldn't be there, right?

Here is where I realize that I want to tear his clothes off (or really have him tear mine off). Out of nowhere I ask if he's a good cook. And before I even reach for the New School catalogue... he says no but that he'd like to take a cooking class.

A cooking class??? I have been waiting nearly 3 decades to hear those words! And from a cute straight guy sitting on my couch???!!! Honestly, I did everything I could to not jump across the sofa and straddle him right there. Where has he been all my life? He's adorable, we're going to live happily ever after! (These last thoughts were an exaggeration, I just really wanted to kiss him and hope that we'd be friends at least through the spring semester at the New School)

Trivia was a good time: cool bar, fun activity, skee ball, photohunt. No weirdness. But when the night winded down, I felt that he paid and ran out of there extremely fast. So naturally my mind goes into total crazy lady mode: he was afraid I was going to try and invite him upstairs again, or he's running to go meet a Murray Hill booty call.

Neither of which was true. OK, this is a long post. Until next time: the Knicks, holiday party and the inevitable 1AM booty call. (His not mine)

What's in a name, Barry?

I don't just sit at home and obsess about the guys that don't want to date me. I also surf the internet and look for them.

Recently, I rejoined Jdate. A few times in the last two years, I signed up for one month and one month only. I wasn't going to put $34.95 into something I didn't think was going to work out. That's 4 salads from Pax I could be getting at lunch.

My October membership was because my new friend at work was always going on dates (and then blogging about them). So I thought - why not? I shouldn't be sitting at home.

I had a few prospects that didn't evolve into dates. Not sure how this is possible and it can be called a dating site if people aren't going on dates... but this is for another post.

I've always been told I'm a bit picky. Not that I'm looking for perfection, but maybe looking for reasons to not like someone. Anyway, as my month was winding down (and my flirting with work friend was increasing) I received a Jdate from a guy named Barry.

Is that wrong to not want to date someone named Barry? It's a bad name, right? I immediately menioned this to a few friends (crush included) and everyone concurred that this issue shouldn't even be discussed further. Barry? No - don't bother.

I was hoping that he would email and tell me that Barry was actually a middle name. But that email never came. In fact he was a poor e-mail conversationalist, so I had a new reason to not even bother to meet him.

Is this why I'm single??

Blow Jobs & Self-Esteem

I have insecurities. We've established this. I think I'm bizarre looking and boring. One thing that reinforces my insecurities is my lack of blow job experience. I assume because I've done it so infrequently, that I must be horrible at it. And because I haven't really ever had an official long-term boyfriend on who to practice on - I just can't believe that I've gotten any better. You know? Maybe the BJ is the reason these boys aren't sticking around? So it's a chicken and the egg thing - am I bad at it and guys don't want to stick around, or are guys not sticking around and I can't get good at it?? And if I'm bad at it and they're leaving, how can I get better at it to make them stay??

Now any well-adjusted New York woman would think: fuck him! If a guy leaves me over that, he's an asshole. Or she could think, why do I even have to do that?
But I want to do that and I want to be good at it. I've read where guys say that fat girls do it best because they are so eager to please and make-up for what they look like - I'm like that fat girl. I just want to be good at it, and maybe a guy will stay around. I know this is all very pathetic sounding... But I think BJs are an important part of sex and maybe that's why I put so much emphasis on it and am embarrassed that I have such little experience with it.

Anywaaaay -- the first BJ was on the beach one summer in high school. Of course it wasn't a boyfriend, but some guy I worked with who wasn't the nicest guy. I remember nothing of how we met, talked, got together. Somehow we got to the beach. He must have initiated the whole thing because I'm sure I wasn't comfortable enough to pull his pants off and make the move south. I remember nothing about that evening except what he said at the end: that wasn't bad, but just watch the teeth.

Was that what set off everything? My mortification? My inability to trust my instincts around any future guy? I was able to avoide the dreaded bj throughout college and any other guy I slept with since. (Remember, I rarely hooked-up/slept with a guy more than once so a BJ request never came up)

When there was finally a guy 3 years ago that I was hooking up with semi-regularly, he never asked. But I wanted to please. I thought this would make him more interested in me. I even called an old hook-up and asked him if he would get together with me and help me "practice!" Isn't that fucked up? Turns out the guy wasn't much of a teacher. It was totally weird, but he didn't give me any pointers. It was a one-time re-meeting and I don't remember much of that lesson. I recall being nervous and freaking out as to why on earth I called him, left and didn't want to call him again. Totally stupid of me.

I think I've given less than 5 in my life. But it can't be my fault, can it? The guys I fall for just aren't sticking around -- it can't be for the lack of BJs, can it?? Because I think the making out part with me is pretty good. So if they don't want to get together a 2nd time, I want to believe that the reason is not because of the hook-up. I sound sooo insane.

Anyway, now that I hooked up once so far with my recent crush, I hastily tried the BJ. It was fine, he came. But I definitely believe I could have done better. So I want nothing more than to try again.

Do I want to try again because I like him and hope that we can establish something like a relationship? Or is it all about me just wanting to become an expert in the BJ area? Either way, I cannot stop thinking about the friggen BJ. I know I have insecurities, because I keep thinking "If I can get good at that, he'll definitely want to stick around."

And I've mentioned that this guy has a sex blog. Where he talks about blow jobs, and they seem to come across as something important. So my insecurity about this is heightened now that I know he judges girls based on this skill. He's written about "girls that give head like a champ." I want to be that girl. Isn't that so sad sounding? I'm not a fat girl needing acceptance. But I do need acceptance.

argh -- this post was too much. I need to scream. And a drink. Or better yet, a head shrinker.

* I'm sure I'll regret the title of this post if I ever decide to let people read it...

The Most Recent Crash/Crush - How it Started

As I've already mentioned, one of the reasons prompting me to start this blog was my most recent crush/hook-up. Things tend to never go very far. Rather than continually whining and blaming the guy "for not choosing me" - I'm sure there's something I'm doing or giving off. And rather than try to sort this out through therapy... we'll start with the blog.

Two red flags I saw from the beginning: His job and his age. Why so bad, you ask?
His job is also my job. And his age is 5 years YOUNGER than my age.
I tend to never pay attention to these signs. I'm just so excited about the possibility of a relationship, I don't see that there's no chance of it coming to fruition.

I've worked with him for now 4 months. September I didn't even notice him. Strange because there are only 8 people at the office, and strange because he's tall and Jewish and not a bad-looking guy. October we started chatting.

His life is way more entertaining than mine so I was always happy to hear his stories. These are tales a girl hears and normally does not become smitten with the storyteller. He's trying to becoming a mimbo: sleeping with random girls he doesn't care about. He's 24 and coming out of a long-term relationship (one in which he cheated on her numerous times!) The crush also has a blog, detailing these sexual escapades. Sounds like a winner, right?

Anyway, October passes and I'm still not attracted to him or thinking about him in any other way besides a guy I shoot the shit with for 40 hours a week. November rolls around and he starts waiting for me every day at 6PM. Then we start taking the train downtown together. He's got some friends in my neighborhood that he meets to smoke pot with a couple times a week. One evening I even got an invite to go with him. Of course I said "no" because one, I was feeling ugly and needed to feed the dog; and two, because he's just a friend and I knew I'd see him the next day at work. (Sidenote: now I'd give a lung for an invite over there)

Then towards the end of the month, we tried making plans to go to trivia night at the bar next to my house. But I totally freaked out and didn't go through with this (see earlier post about 10th grade high school movie date!). WHY?? Who knows. Another night, my friends and I were going bowling. He mentioned that he 'd be interested in going. This was feeling strange. I know we were friends - but see here's where I get a little (more) crazy. If a boy starts to pay attention to me, I will grasp onto it like it's never going to come around again.

Now with the possibility of a bowling outing looming, I guess I began to think that I could (and maybe do) like him. And again like trivia night and 10th grade, I didn't really know if I wanted him to come. So crazy. My friends asked who he was and what the deal was. They were another reason I didn't want him to come: judge judge judge. The gals knew his age and I think I mentioned his blog in passing weeks earlier. So to them, he's a jerk. A young jerk. Turns out he was too stoned and it was too early for him to join us. Just some missed texts later in the night. Sick thing is: I felt relieved. (Another sidenote: now I'd give my other lung for an opportunity for us to hang out)

Before I continue, I should take a step back and take him out of the picture and try to generalize. Because this sort of thing has happened in the past with other guys. Maybe I freak out before any fooling around happens and try to avoid it is because I'm afraid that I'm wrong about his interest in me - that maybe he has zero interest in getting together with me for anything other than a platonic thing. So it's just easier to avoid him? I don't know... doesn't it sound like I'm 16? This is insane - which is probably why my sexual and relationship experiences are on par with a high school student.

But then when I find out there might be some hanky-panky (excuse the cheese) wanted on his part (and I get some) - I want nothing more than to spend every moment with the guy. Not obsessive or stalkerish - but because there's some validation that - woohoo! - I may actually get me a boyfriend! And that's another place where I play things wrong...

So December and said hanky-panky to be discussed in another post....

Merry Festivus, Dammit

What they say about the Holidays is really true - being alone this week is really really depressing.

I started this blog yesterday and I was already feeling better: It's OK that I have no man, that I possibly scared all my friends away (kidding, slightly), I'm going to gain back some confidence and if a guy doesn't want to be with me when I'm ready - so what? right? I've got a blog. Eventually some fabulous person will come around and realize how friggen fabulous I am.

I just spent the last hour checking out my past loves/crushes on all the sites: friendster, myspace, facebook. Why did I do that?
So of course I'm thinking: "they're adorable" "they've got friends" "they're living life" "that friend of his is really pretty. did they get together?" "of course they never wanted to be with me. I'm boring"

I do see that these are all crazy things to think - but I'm just bored. lonely. and i need some validation that I'm wrong about those thoughts. i just want one of my stupid crushes to work out - so I could really believe that I am indeed lovable. Can't one hook-up turn into something?? even if it's for a lousy 2 weeks?? Through New Year's?

My mom suggests I find a hobby...
But a cooking class or joining a business association (what the fu????) is not going to help me find a love - or get my crush to realize what an idiot he's being.

Thank goodness for my ipod - and today, Tegan & Sara.

andy samberg is my god

total sidetrack as we get this blog rolling and I spew out my entire mental instabilities...

but i can watch this over and over again and still laugh.

i want a man just like Andy Samberg. i just want to laugh 24/7

i want his dick in a box. (or JT's)

Stuy '95 Part 1

I can't say I had many of the earlier referenced issues in high school, the insecurities didn't begin there. I led a pretty 'normal' life -- or to us it was normal. We were pretty good kids.

I traveled with two different circles. My main high school crew consisted of 8-10 girls, not the most popular, but friends with everyone, invited to most of the parties, shoplifted the occasional sweater, smoked, cut class, drank - but no sex. Only 2 of the crew ever had boyfriends, and they hardly talked about sex. The rest of us didn't ask, and didn't seem to care. We were content just being together. We still talked about boys: just none of us were getting any.

As I try to put together this post, I'm reminded of all the boys I had crushes on and why nothing seemed to work out for me. So I guess I did have a lot of the same insecurities as I do now...

I always had a crush on someone. And just like in my 20s, I was picking guys that weren't interested in me. Why??? It's not as if I were striving for the hottest guy in class, football captain or anything.

There was one that I'd like to think could have been something. And instead of me placing blame on the guy, this one was my fault. Again why?? How did I become so insecure as to let this situation pass me by?

One pretty popular guy, tall smart athletic funny, took me to the movies. Valentine's Day, 10th Grade. We saw two: "Groundhog Day"and some Kiefer Sutherland stinker called "The Vanishing." I remember being soooo nervous. Throughout 7th and 8th grades, I had a couple of quick kisses and got a hickey. That was about it. I don't remember everything about the date, but I remember I freaked out and probably just left. I didn't even want to get close to having to make out with him because i just figured I'd have no idea what to do. And I'm sure I just avoided him at school for the next couple of weeks. That was it. The whole story. And of course a few months later, he found himself a girlfriend and I was more head over heels with him than ever before.

Why did I do that? And please don't say it was because I wasn't ready. I still pull shit like that today!! ugh - and for my 10 year reunion, i was sooo planning on making up for that date with him. But of course... he wasn't there. The rest of high school was just some more crushes, a couple summer make out sessions with guys I didn't know, but no boyfriend.

The weird thing is that with these crushes, I was always very vocal about it. They knew it. I made it very clear. However, since none were reciprocated, I never got to see if I would pull the old disappearing act again.

I was so confident and comfortable in other areas during that time -- just not boys. And for some reason I've never fully shaken this insecurity. I can't say it was because of some huge trauma or anything. I am just, still to this day, so afraid of the whole hooking up process. Like I'll be bad or something. (It's evolved slightly. I've become very comfortable in the making out part of everything, just everything else makes me want to run. I happen to think making out with me for hours is a very enjoyable experience... )

Can anyone help explain this??

Here Goes...

Why does anyone have a blog? It's taken me a while to pick up on exactly what a person would use it for, and why they'd expect anyone to read it. "People just write about their day?? Why is that interesting?"

Not to say that I believe the comings and goings of my day to be all that riveting, but I've decided to write one anyway. At least in the beginning, I'll be using it to set the stage of why I am who I am. Like the first couple sessions of going to therapy...

I'll be turning 30 in less than 3 months. I've never been very focused on the age thing and haven't started freaking out about the occasional grey hair (yes, two of them) and impending wrinkles. However, what has started to freak me out is that I haven't lived. I did nothing in my 20s: no relationships, hardly any sex, no exciting trips, career at a standstill. I feel like I just let life pass me by... hanging out in my apartment, TV on, drink poured and gym bag packed to do the same day all over again.

So why now? I felt the same way about my situation 3 years ago as I do now. My most recent crush (and now crash) has led me to do this. I've been setting up a pattern that I'm inevitably going to keep repeating... and I don't want to.

I've got a lot of issues. Mainly a lot of insecurities that feed into these "issues" - and I've always thought they'd work themselves out when I finally have a boyfriend. But alas... that boyfriend is not knocking on my door and I'm tired of waiting. So what should I do??

Start a blog.

The issues include not having a boyfriend, lack or loss of friends, believing my life is the most boring one in town, not feeling incredibly pretty and very very limited sexual experiences. Depressing, right? This should make for a fun blog...

I guess we'll start talking about my high school days in the next post.
First let me pour myself a drink...